Mini-vacation!

It's that time of year! Time for pools, parties, sun, and fun! And what's a little fun without friends or family?! Well, that's not as much fun  now is it.

Our little 6 day vacation started extremely early on Canada day. Like 3 am wake up call early. Yup. But we really wanted to be there for my grandmother's birthday and eventually we made it!

We spent 3 days without cell service and with family! It's nice to be able to put down the phones and just hang out together! We hadn't seen my grandparents in a few months, and even longer for my aunt and uncle and 2 cousins from Lethbridge! We were worried about Rocko being around the kids and so many new people but he did amazing, and barely barked! Plus everyone just loved him right back!

Next we headed to Kelowna to visit some of our favorite people! They sold their house so we came to have a pool party before they move out and to their new place! Our big love ball had a great time in the pool, and surprisingly so did the dog! He didn't really want to swim, but he wanted to be with everyone so he rode on people's shoulders! We also spent the night with another life long friend before heading to Merritt for a quick visit with Georges mom, then finally coming home today. I was a little sad to leave. I absolutely miss everyone already and I am secretly trying to plan a trip back to Kelowna.

I am so blessed to have the friends and family that I have. I had nothing but fun and was surrounded by love the entire time. As much as I am glad to be home and continue on with things I have planned here, I am a little heavy hearted to be leaving such a great time with such great people behind me. We will be together again soon, I promise!

Until next time! xoxo

Living list

A living list is essentially a bucket list.

I'm just not calling it that.

My living list mostly includes concerts. I love concerts, I love music, and I love hanging out with friends and family, and concerts are a great excuse for a "date night".

Last night I had an amazing date night with my momma! We came into town early, and visited part of our wonderful RMH family and their brand new baby who is absolutely adorable! Then we met with some of our foundation ladies for a quick visit! Next was downtown for appies and a drink at moxies, then Shania Twain!!!!

Holy crap did she ever rock Vancouver! She really knows how to put on a show and I loved every minute of it! I was even impressed with Wes Mack as an opening act, he has quite a versatile voice and was also awesome to watch! Both were such amazing performers!!!!

I can't wait to cross off more concerts on my living list!

Oh the people you meet!: part 4

My morning was an early one. I was in Vancouver at BCCH early enough to be on the morning news. Since we were done so early, we decided to do some visiting, and I got to see my wonderful friend Danielle Hoult (although she slept through it, but my oh my did she ever need to rest, dumb fevers).

For those of you who don't know, in 2012 at just 11 years old my darling Dani was diagnosed with ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia). After almost 2 years of treatment Dani was in her final months before finishing, but leukemic cells were found in her cerebral spinal fluid. In 2014 she relapsed (yes, relapsed while still in treatment) and has been placed on a very intense chemo treatment. She will be on chemo until 2016, and will also be receiving cranial radiation in July!

My sweet, darling friend Danielle is full of attitude, love, strength, and resilience. She has a huge heart, and an old soul, and is full of passion.

As she was resting today we visited with her incredible mom Nadine, and she told us about how Dani was fighting through pain to get through her play rehearsal. All year she has worked hard, and she just couldn't stay away from the stage. Her peers were so thoughtful and accommodating though, she got to sit by the director and perform her lines from there the rest of rehearsal! She is missing opening night, but I did see a message of love and well wishes from her cast members. She will be there in spirit tonight. I have absolutely no doubt she will be sprung from the hospital ASAP and prance, perform, and perfectly deliver her role on that stage.

Dani is a source of determination, inspiration, and dedication. I can't help but smile every time I see her, even when she's hooked up to IV poles. Even when she's asleep.  This beautiful young girl can conquer the world, and I know for a fact that she will.

I am honored, proud, and humbled to call this incredible young gal my friend. Keep smiling. I love you Dani Banani.

The Brooke Army!

I cannot believe how many people have my back!  I have never felt more loved, supported, and humbled than I have in the last 4 years now.

Yep. 4 years.

May 30th marks the 4 years since rediagnosis. Every year I've had many ups and downs, but I've mainly tried to focus on the ups.  It's impossible not too. With being diagnosed with cancer I feel like I've created an army! It's not just me who's fighting this awful disease any more. It's everyone. 

I love reading all the amazing, kind,  and thoughtful social media posts. I may not always be able to see you, or physically hug you to show you how much I appreciate you all, but I do. I do more than words can say. I appreciate my family and friends and even strangers who keep me in their thoughts.

I never felt like I was doing anything to make a difference. I was always the one who was in awe of all the superheroes I came to know through my travels. Yet here we are, and here those words are. Everyone tells me I'm an inspiration, I'm strong, and I'm someone to look up to. I never thought I'd ever become this type of role model, I never saw myself as a leader.

There are young kids out there who need a voice, and I am more than willing to step up and do that for them.

When my superheroes need a side kick, I'll be there to get the job done.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for supporting me, and creating what I now wish to call TBA (the Brooke Army!)

I love all of you, and appreciate you more than words can fathom!

Regrouping.

Let's start fresh.

I've been told that my writing is good but I've been so distracted that I haven't blogged in almost a year. Woops. I'm making a promise to myself to get back on track. I can do this.

As most of my readers know in September of 2014 I was classified as being palliative. Which means there is nothing more my doctors can do except keep me comfortable and healthy for as long as they can. I can no longer beat this disease. I can only prolong the inevitable.

And I've accepted that. It took a little while to really accept it. But I do. It was so hard to because of how great I look and feel most of the time. I don't look like someone who almost literally has a chest full of tumors, a sore shoulder, and an arthritic hip (although when I am over worked I do limp slightly. Damn hip).

There also an ulterior motive to my blogging again. Yes, it's my favorite time of the year next weekend! Miracle weekend is coming up on May 30th and 31st and yours truly is co-host again this year!  I hate having to fundraise for myself and my family... it feels so selfish, even though we do need help sometimes. But there are thousands of other families who need help also, and I feel much better if donations go to research, equipment, or for the new hospital! That way you're helping not only me, but so many other kids, and families, who rely on BC Children's every year. I encourage you to help, even the smallest amount. No donation is too small, because no act of kindness is ever small.

I promise I'll blog more. If I don't just remind me. Chemo brain makes me forgetful!

Also, how about cute pictures of my fur baby to keep you smiling throughout the day... I am so happy to have Rocko in our lives! His little attitude has us smiling or laughing every day.

Summer

Summer is coming to an end, boooo. But the plus side to that is that we get to move in our house in a week!!! Yay! 

Summer in Vancouver means the fair at the PNE is happening, and yes, we went. I had such an incredible time, and I'll always ride the old roller coaster at least once even though it feels like I'm going to fall out of it. I was there with Ofelia, Giles, and my family of course, and I went on a bunch of rides, ate good food, and enjoyed a few shows!! Thanks to the summer night concerts we got to see Air Supply perform, and it was so cool!!! They totally rocked! 

We also had so much fun at Rena's wedding! She was absolutely stunning and she sure knows how to party! I'm probably going to get her to plan my wedding, she had so many fun cute ideas! I also got to emcee the reception, thank goodness for public speaking skills! 

I've also been hanging out without my wig on, and it's been ok so far! Went to the PNE, and the mall without it on. I don't think I'll use it as often anymore, maybe just to keep my head warm in the winter. ;)

Responsible!

How great is it to be normal? 

I mean, besides the 3 pills twice daily (5 twice on weekends... stupid septra) I've been living quite normally! 

Besides the fact that I'm not in my own home. We don't even have a house yet in Vancouver! But that's besides the point. I've actually been a horrible blogger due to the fact that I have been responsible! Not just for myself, but other people even!!

It all started when my mom needed to get to Vancouver to look at houses, but we weren't all going to go! I went once before, and decided that I, one lung Brooke, could use a break from looking at town homes! So Wesley and I stayed home. Alone. And we had to clean the house so the inspection could be done. It was a neat little vacation almost. Until it had to end and chaos ensued. Moving out is definitely easier when there are movers there for you, but there's still a LOT of cleaning involved! I've never scrubbed windowsills harder in my entire life. I was tired just watching grandma clean! When all was said and done we hit up our hotel in Fernie for put last night there as a family. Weather was pretty severe in Alberta so Wes and I got to spend a night with our wonderful amazing friends Kevin and Shawna! Then it was off to Calgary! Here we have been for about 2 weeks at my uncle and aunts so someone is home with the kids while they work! I feel like I just got here still! I can't believe that on August 10th I'll be making my first 10 hour road trip with just my brother!!  Then it's up to Quesnel for Rena's wedding!! I am so excited to see my step sister get married, and spend time as a family and camp! It's going to be a blast! I love weddings! I don't have anything medical going on until the 20th and 21st of August! It's been nice to have a bit of a break and be able to live a slightly normal life!

I'll do what I can to blog more about the normal things I get to do and not just the medical things!! Also might make them a little shorter and more fun to read!!! 

Change is a good thing.

It's been just over a week since we found out George got the job in Vancouver. It's been 2 days since our for sale sign has been up, and in just over a week we will be looking at houses. It seems unreal, or like a dream. Everything is happening really fast, and if that sign wasn't in my front yard I still don't think I would believe it. This is going to be one big move.

From small towns to the big city. 

Our lifestyle is going to change completely, and it will be good as long as we focus on all the positives! We usually spend so much time down in Vancouver for appointments and such anyways, so instead of wasting George's holidays so he can drive us around, we can use them to go camping! We won't have to be away from home for a week or longer for appointments, I can be in my own bed every night. Wesley will most likely be able to have a longer baseball season. My mom could go back to work, and I could possibly even start college. I already have lots of friends in Vancouver for school or who are living there, so I think settling in will take no time at all. 

This is going to be easy.

It's just the big change in our lives that's slightly scary, and the fact that we have to leave behind a wonderful place that's been so good to us. Fernie has been our home for 5 years, and we have really grown to love it here. I know that it's 12 hours away but I will do my best to come back to visit Fernie. I know I'm going to miss it here, and if I do come back I know there won't be a shortage of people to stay with. Everyone here is amazing and I wish I could pack them all up and take them with me. Not to mention the amazing views around here! 

I'm excited, nervous, sad, happy, and a little scared about this move, but in the end I know it will be great! I can't wait to start a new chapter in my life. Bring it on Vancouver, bring it on. 

Miracle Weekend!

 Well hello there everyone! Hope you all had a great weekend, I know I did! It was full of so much fun and excitement!!! So grab some snacks and enjoy the photos and candid moments from this years Miracle Weekend!!

We arrived in Vancouver late Wednesday evening, and the madness began on Thursday. On Thursday morning we woke up and made out way down to the Secret Garden Tea House in Kerresdale to meet Elaine Yong for some filming for a news story. After having High Tea, we made our way over to the hospital for our appointment as well as more filming for the story! After that I had my actual appointment with my wonderful doctor. Then we finished taping with Elaine over at the set of the telethon and I got a quick tour! Next we picked up Ofelia and made our way over to the old spaghetti factory in Gastown. 

After we all went out to dinner, Ofelia and I got to go see Wicked!!!!! And to say that we were excited is a complete understatement.

We left the performance almost completely speechless, I think we just kept saying "wow"!! We give it 4 out of 4 thumbs up!!

Friday was totally jam packed with plans!! It all started at around 7:45am in Burnaby at the global studio! We went in to get make-up done and wait to be interviewed on the morning news. 

After the interview we went to visit Tiffany and her new baby boy!!! Baby Maxwell Hugh McFadyen was born on May 22nd at 11:11!!! He is absolutely precious and I loved the newborn cuddles!! It was so nice to see Tiffany is settling into motherhood just fine! She's going to be such a wonderful mom! 

After visiting with Tiffany and Max we went out to lunch! While we were eating I actually watched myself on the interview which I found on the global website! Also, is that really what I sound like?! Weird! 

Lunch was good and we then went to visit some friends we met through the Ronald McDonald house. Actually, 2 years ago today is when Muj had his accident that left him paralyzed. The thought of being in a chair the rest of his life had never crossed his mind, and his determination to walk again is astounding! He's made such incredible progress, from being told he would never walk again, to gaining some movement in his legs!! I was so glad we got to see him and his family. They are all wonderful and I'm so glad we are friends!! Go check out more of his story (after you're done here of course) at this link!! 

 https://www.facebook.com/groups/mujinmotion/?fref=nf

After our visits we went over to the studio for the rehearsal for the telethon!! Apparently I did great and I liked the crew, they a laughed at my jokes! 

Once rehearsal was done we were allowed to hit up the hotel and relax for the rest of the night! Phew! We definitely needed the break, well, my parents did! They fell asleep at 8:30!!! I had a bath and relaxed  and kept myself entertained until I fell asleep.

Saturday was crazy! We had some time off in the morning and early afternoon so we checked out of our hotel and leisurely wandered around the mall and purchased a few shirts and such, then got to check in to the new Ronald McDonald house!! Although it is unfinished, it is still amazing, and even though we saw pictures, it wasn't what we thought it was going to be. I can't wait until it's actually finished and functioning! I made a little speech there, and we enjoyed the activities and a wonderful dinner!! 

At 7:15 (ish) I was back at the telethon for make-up! After I got all beautified for tv I was off to a quick photoshoot. After the photoshoot it was on set to get ready to go on live tv! Ahh! Thankfully I had Laura there to show me where I needed to be, and when! Yay for Laura! 

Apparently I did great, but man was I ever nervous!! 

Sunday was a little more relaxing for me, I just got to lay low behind the scenes until 5:30 when we announced the grand total! At 11:30 George got to go on the phone panel!

Thanks again to everyone who donated during the telethon!!! 

This year I saw many familiar faces at the telethon and of course had to get pictures with the people I saw!! I saw the whole Wright family this year, and Jemma was co-hosting Sunday! (Didn't she do awesome?!) I also saw Chris Gailus, who is always so nice! I also couldn't forget my annual girls pic with Addison!! I am so glad I could see all these amazing kids once again, and amazing volunteers who put in all their time to make this show what it is every year!! 

(The Wright family!) 

(Chris Gailus) 

(Addison and I!) 

All in all it was an amazing weekend!! I can't say enough how much we love coming down to Miracle Weekend and participating as much as we can!! I feel so grateful to be able to give back to a place that has given me so much. To donate my story, and a little bit of time to the telethon is the least we can do for a place that makes miracles happen every day. I know because I am one, and I've met so many! 

Thank you all for your love and support through this! 

Already kicking cancers ass, wanna be next?

Hello there folks! 

As a lot of you who read this know I recently had a PET scan. This scan helps determine how much cancer I have in my body. Below is a picture of my scan, one is from January (3 months ago), and one from April (last week). The picture on the right is the January scan. It was after I was really sick for a month and basically didn't have chemo. The picture on the left is the April scan, and wow! What improvement! All the black spots in the chest area is cancer, don't worry about the two big black spots at the top and bottom of the scan. It's just my brain and my bladder!! The focus of the pictures is to see what's hanging out on the left side of my chest, which appears on the right side of the picture.

I mean wow! What improvement!! It is definitely a reason to celebrate, so celebrate I did!!! 

I'm so greatful that some of my friends go to school in Vancouver! Ofelia, Julia, and I met downtown and went for dinner! After that Ofelia and I flew over Canada while Julia went home to grab her ID! Travis was also in town so we all met at the bar and just hung out!! It was great to be out and just be like your average 19 year old!  

Julia is missing from the photo because she was taking it! But we still love her!!!

I get to be home and not really have to worry, and not feel so sick all the time. It's nice to feel a little more free! 

I guess I should also mention that I get to co-host the BC children's hospital miracle weekend telethon!!! I'm on Saturday night, May 31st!! Make sure you all tune in, oh, and donate!! ;) 

See you all then! (Well, you'll see me then.)

Don't want to jinx it!

Well folks, it's been a while since I've blogged last but that's because things have been going quite well. I hate to say out loud how well I've been feeling lately because I don't want to end my streak of feeling this good! 

It's weird that I have nothing to report on! 

I'm so used to telling people that I've had a rough week or I've been feeling tired or that I was in the hospital for antibiotics. We've been out of the hospital long enough that we will have to hep flush my VAD again! I'm thankful we are able to do it at home too so I don't need to go to the hospital and be exposed to all the fun germies there. Also, when we are at home I can push the saline myself and it's more fun that way! 

Since things are going so well, and I'm feeling good, I'll leave you dear readers with an updated picture of my HAIR!! Yea, that's right. Hair. Can't wait for it to warm up so I can rock the pixie cut!! 

But that's it for tonight folks! Keepin it short and sweet again!!

Home is where the heart is.

While living in Vancouver for the 6 or so months we were there, I got sick. And by sick I don't mean cancer. We've already established that. By sick, I mean that when my immune system was lowered (side effect of the chemotherapy) I caught some sort of stomach flu virus.  While you at home would have the flu for no more than 24 hours, I ended up being hospitalized for 13 days. 

Yes, that's right, I said days.

I am used to staying in hospital for a short amount of time. I used to spend 4 to 6 days admitted for chemotherapy. I was not used to 13 days. On that last day, as we were preparing discharge papers, my mom and I told our nurse that we got to go home that day. 

Our nurse knew we lived 12 hours away, so her shocked response was no surprise. 

"Like, home home? Like Fernie home?" 

As much as we would have loved to say yes, we knew that wasn't a possibility, especially after being so sick. Our doctor wouldn't want us far from the hospital. 

"Not home home, but to our Ronald McDonald home!"

Well, this makes more sense now. 

After having to stay in Vancouver this long, the RMH became our second home. We had a place that became such a comfort that we could honestly call it a home. Not only that, but it was filled with people who become your second family. 

Now I'm always torn. I love being at home in Fernie more than anything, and when I'm in Vancouver I long for my own bed. But lately when I am at home in Fernie, I wish to be in Vancouver and enjoying the comforts of our second home. Some days I think I like it in Vancouver a little better because the friends I have at RMH are unfortunately stuck there for a while, where all my friends at home have moved away for school. 

No matter where I am now, I know that I'll always be wanting a little taste of home. When I'm in Vancouver I will wish to be home in Fernie in my warm bed watching Netflix. When I'm home I'll want to be in Vancouver doing puzzles and crafts with the other kids.

It's really hard to leave home, and when you are constantly back and forth between two homes you find that your heart lies within both places. It's so hard to leave my brother and step dad behind most of the time, and it's so sad to have to say goodbye to the young kids staying at RMH. I'm just glad I can say that I'll be back. I'm never gone too long. 

Finally! Some good news!

I have been waiting almost 2 years to hear that we finally have control. Waiting, and trying different chemotherapy drugs, as well as different methods of receiving chemo to find one that actually works. For nearly 2 years we have been holding the cancer at bay, neither growth or shrinking happening. Just chilling out in there. 

But the tables have finally turned.

After a solid 3 weeks on a new chemotherapy drug we have seen improvement. Not a lot, but enough to know that it's working. We weren't asking for much anyways, Rome wasn't built in a day, and tumours won't disappear in a day, we just wanted to know that all of this suffering wasn't just for nothing. 

Not only is it working on the tumours, but I'm also tolerating the drug really well.

Before this new wonderful oral chemotherapy (called Crizinotib) I was on IV chemo, and other pills that made my blood count drop significantly. I was feeling sick and tired all the time, and my immune system was null so I never was able to go out. Now I don't feel nauseated 24/7 and my blood counts stay fairly normal. I used to get blood and platelet transfusions biweekly, and I haven't been in need of blood in 2 or 3 months, and even longer for platelets! I've felt more free, and just generally good. I've felt good. Better than that actually, I've been feeling great! 

Now that we know this chemo works, and I am experiencing minimal side effects, I feel like I can adjust my life to a regular and more normal routine. 

That, and my hair has been coming in since November-ish. I can almost go without a wig, but it is a little bit chilly for that, and it's still a little bit thin. But I will finally see what I look like with a pixie hair style! I was always to chicken to cut it short, and kept it pretty long. Well, until I went bald anyways! 

And here it is: my miracle drug! 

Scan to scan

It's hard to make commitments to the future. We can never just say yes to making plans because it will all come down to the way I'm feeling that day. And we don't know how I'm going to feel on any given day. Some things we do plan well in advance though, like scheduled appointments in Vancouver around different events. For example, we schedule appointments the week leading up to, or the week after the BC Children's Hospital telethon so we can volunteer at said event. With that being said, we never actually know how long each visit to Vancouver is going to be. In 2011 we thought it was going to be a weekend and back in 3 months time.

Three weeks later began our 6 month "visit". 

A family, when faced with a cancer diagnosis, learns quickly that this is not something we can control. We cannot decide our futures for ourselves anymore. Our future depends on the cancer, whether it's responding to treatment or not, and that can only be decided by scans. Yes, it completely consumes our time, energy, and emotion, but that doesn't mean we can't live in between scans.

I find that we live a fuller but simpler life. The things that used to consume us seem petty. We have a different view on life, and even though it's filled with pain, suffering, and fear, we see the light side of everything. Our perspective of life has turned from "how many years in my life can I have" to "how much life can I have in my years".

We open the door to today and embrace whatever comes.

We don't worry about yesterday, we don't fret for tomorrow. We live on what we're given today.

I wake up each day grateful I have another day to continue to fight. I am thankful I get to see the faces of my family and know they're behind me, there to pick me up when I feel down. I am blessed by the simple moments I get to spend with them. I love weekend mornings, being up with George and enjoying each others company (and lately discussing the Olympics). I love when my mom does puzzles and I pretend to help her, only to end up having her rub my head and cuddle me. I love when my brother/best friend and I drive around town and just talk, and sing along to music, plus he gives the best hugs, but not many people know that. I love hearing my family tell me they love me and hugging me, and I love to tell them. I love being with my friends and making the best of each day, and just smiling and being happy.

This just barely scratches the surface of what I appreciate. It's all the little things that I've learned to notice and enjoy. Instead of rushing around, I've stopped to smell the roses.

This is a relevant quote to give everyone a little perspective on appreciating the time you're given on this earth. I hope you all invest wisely!

Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $84,600, it doesn't carry over the balance from day to day, it just cancels whatever part of the amount you failed to use at the end of each day. 

What would you do? Draw out every cent and invest it wisely, of course!

Well, everyone has such a bank, but it's known as time. Every morning you are credited with exactly 86,400 seconds. Every night, whatever you fail to invest in a good purpose is written off. Your balance is not carried over. It allows no overdraft.

Yet each day the account is opened and credited with a new balance of 86,400 seconds, and with each night the records of the day are burned. If you fail to use the days deposits, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against tomorrow. You just live in the present, on today's deposits. Invest it wisely as to get the utmost in health, happiness, and success. 

Expect the worst, hope for the best.

Waiting... Waiting.... Waiting.... 

The time between the scans and the appointments is brutal. We are so on edge waiting for results because we never know what the results are going to be. It's hard to continually keep ourselves busy, and no matter how hard we try we are always thinking about what the next appointment could bring. 

We want to go in thinking positively, but when you go in with high hopes it's so easy to be let down. So we have learned to do exactly what this post is titled: expect the worst, but hope for the best.

We have learned to accept the good with the bad, and every time we are prepared to hear the words "it's good, but..." 

And yes, there usually is a "but", and a pain in mine. 

Now I never really had the chance to finish this post before my appointment, the one where we got good news, so I can't recall exactly how I felt. Especially now I'm overwhelmed with positivity and I don't ever want to let this feeling go. I think for a while I almost did. I was so sick all the time and I wasn't getting any results. In almost 2 years of chemo treatments nothing happened, and I was getting my hopes up. I knew we were only holding this illness at bay, and I started to feel like I would be doing this my entire life. I would like to live a normal life at some point. I don't want to take what feels like 5 million pills a day, and constantly worry about not being able to hug someone because their nose is a little runny, or they sneezed 5 minutes ago. 

A channel on YouTube called "TheFineBros" do a series of react videos, so kids, teens, and elders react to viral videos, and are then asked questions. Recently they had teens react to "The Fault In Our Stars" trailer, and one of the questions, and some of they're responses to it made me feel like they actually understood that we are still humans, and we still want to be treated normally. Seriously check it out! And even some of the other react videos! I'm so thankful they do this! 

Here's a link to the video!

http://youtu.be/rjMqMLZIt30  

Deflated

Here we are, 11 PET scans later and still no light at the end of the tunnel.

Whenever we go for PET scans we are never expecting the cancer to magically be gone, and we don't expect a huge amount of progress, but we do want to see a little progress. We aren't asking to be at the end of the tunnel, we just want to be able to see the light. 

I'm starting to feel deflated. Not defeated, but deflated. I am still positive and I still know I'm going to get rid of this someday, but it seems to be taking forever to get there. Healing takes time, but were into our 3rd year almost, and I'm basically the same as when I started. I am thankful that it's the same and not worse though, don't get me wrong, but at the same time I've gotten nowhere. It's starting to feel like I've done all these treatments, and all of this suffering for nothing. 

I'm ready for this to be over. It's emotionally overbearing.

Even though it's been a long tough journey, I'm so thankful to my family and friends who help keep me strong, and pick me up when I'm down. It's you all who love and support me that keeps my strength and positivity up! I may get angry sometimes, and I feel sorry when I take my anger out on other people, but I feel like I deserve to be angry some days. I'm only human, and I can't help the way I feel. 

But I do love my family and friends, and just spending time with each other. It really helps me put my crazy life into perspective. I can't thank you enough for your loving comments and support. Thank you for picking me up when I'm feeling down. 

The food battle.

"But I just don't feel hungry" 

It's a constant battle between what everyone says I should eat versus what I feel like eating. It's hard to find food that I like anymore because my taste buds are different. The taste of the foods I loved have been altered to the point where I'm scared to try new foods. I'm so sensitive to spicy foods and foods with strong tastes. If I do feel like eating it has to be what I'm craving in the moment or it just doesn't sit well in my stomach. 

Fighting nausea is an entirely different battle on its own.

Not only are there days when I can't find food I like, but fighting the feeling of wanting to constantly throw up makes it hard to eat as well.  There are days where I can't even keep down a sip of water without throwing it right back up. 

Gross huh?

The worst days are the days when I can be starving but as soon as food hits my stomach I'm running to the bathroom or sticking my face in a bucket. On these days I can't control the nausea because I can't keep the medication down long enough for it to kick in. 

Now everyone has an opinion.

I understand when people say "you have to eat _____ because it kills cancer" are only saying it because they care, and they want to help me, but I know all of this. I know to eat blueberries and pomegranates and kale for antioxidants and vitamins, but it's so hard to always eat healthy. Especially since I need to gain weight, not lose it due to eating healthy. My biggest pet peeve is when people tell me that "if you eat this it will kill cancer cells". And yes, that is true to a point. Most of these "cancer killing" foods are actually cancer preventing foods. 

I'm so thankful "mom-cologists" (mothers of cancer patients) understand their children.

All the moms at the Ronald McDonald house are so amazing, cooking up whatever their kids want and whenever they want it knowing well in advance that only 2 bites will be taken and they will be done.

It's a battle within a battle. Fighting cancer means fighting to find a way to eat, sleep, drink, and just live normally. 

I guess all I'm asking is that you don't judge me by how I eat. It may be weird combinations of food some days, and no food at all other days. And please don't try to force me to eat, when I say I'm not feeling well, I mean it. 

Energy

I love to write. 

Not only that but I love card games, puzzles, video games, and even texting. Lately though I've felt very frustrated due to the fact that I have hardly any energy to do any of my favourite things. Sometimes I don't even have enough energy to watch a movie. Something as simple as laying down and doing nothing basically exhausts me. It may also just be the fact that it's the only thing I can do for entertainment and I'm no longer entertained. Just bored. I don't feel like doing the things I love to do. They seem to have become a chore for me, and I find myself having to put more effort into daily life than I used to. I even have a hard time texting my friends back because I'm just too tired to respond. 

Imagine, a teenager who DOESN'T want to text message 24 hours a day.

I felt bad that I've been neglecting not only messages of love and support, but also my blog, but I've been having a hard time mustering up the energy to write about my life. Everything just seems so draining, and I don't want to continuously explain to everyone how tired I am.

Also, I can't seem catch a break.

Right now the chemotherapy treatment I'm on requires me to take it every day. No stopping. My last treatment was 21 days on and 7 off. This time there's no break. At least we found that it may have been a virus that was constantly making me extremely sick, and not the drug. Being so sick just drains you twice as fast as normal!

I'm just sick and tired of being so sick and tired.

So I will end this blog post on a short note due to the fact that I am exhausted, but I would still like to play a quick game of cribbage with my mom before bed time.

You think I'm lucky

I hear a lot of people say "wow, you're so lucky you got to...." When I tell people about teen group activities, Canucks games, and BC Lions games. I have gotten to experience some amazing events, including 2 concerts now (Justin Bieber and Carrie Underwood), and I even went on a free trip to  Greece! 

At a Vancouver Canucks game Ofelia, Wesley, George, my mom, my great aunt, and I actually got to go down outside the locker room to meet Jason Garrison (#5 on the ice, #1 in, my heart) and he gave me a signed tshirt and his hockey stick! And recently at a BC lions game Felicia, Ofelia, my mom, myself, and many other kids from BC Children's hospital got to be on the field during the half time show, which just so happened to be Bif Naked! It was incredible! We were even able to get a picture with her and her guitar player Jacen before they left! 

While I am incredibly thankful to have been able to do all of this and more, I don't think it should be called "lucky". I am so grateful that I am able to experience these events, but it comes with a price. That price is cancer.

To be completely honest I would give back each and every opportunity I have been through just to be healthy. I would have rather missed out on all of these experiences just to live a life without cancer. 

So before you comment saying "wow Brooke, you're so lucky you got to meet Jason Garrison" "you're lucky you met Bif Naked" or "you're so lucky you got to go to a concert", remember it's not luck. It's more of a way to make the battle just a little bit easier, and not just for me, but other kids and teens fighting similar battles. 

Oh the people you meet: part 3

Staying at RMH (Ronald McDonald House), and getting treatment at Childrens Hospital means I come across a lot of families with amazing, strong, and incredibly inspiring kids. I want to share some of the families we got to know really well, and hope they inspire you as much as they inspire me.

This is Super Caleb Gozjolko and his parents Jason and Kristi.

Caleb here is my one lung buddy. That's right, 3 years old and down one lung thanks to Pleuropulmonary Blastoma, an extremely rare and aggressive lung cancer. After months of intense chemotherapy and the surgery to have the cancer (which he called "Timmy the Tumor"), and lung, removed, things are really looking up for Caleb. 

To watch this amazing kid run around RMH just a few days after his surgery made my jaw drop. I remember a few days after my surgery I had the hardest time walking the few steps to the bathroom. Super Caleb runs and plays and just blends in with all the other kids in the house, but he did get tired a little bit faster than everyone else. That is more than ok though, I mean, he's running around the house with one lung!

Facing some of the same problems as Caleb, I understand the exhaustion that comes along with chemotherapy treatments, as well as the feeling sick. Some days you could just see the exhaustion and sadness in his face, so tv/movie days were in order, but you can see that radiant smile of his even when he's tired from playing. He's made a complete turn around and is so happy. Super Caleb inspires me to smile, fight, and play, but also remember that its ok to take a break. As he said himself: "Can we just pause, I need to take a break." 

I can't stop myself from smiling every time our families cross paths at RMH. We became a comfort to each other and I am so proud to call them our friends. We share this closeness that's hard to come across in every day life. To think that this incredible young kid and I face similar situations in our lives is mind blowing. 

But to look at him now, doing so much better, makes it easier for me to smile. I am in awe of what this kid is capable of, and completely blown away by his attitude. He inspires me to keep my head up, and looking at him now, I know there will be better days ahead for me. I look to him when I have a bad day.

If Super Caleb can do it, why can't I?

To read about Kristi's experience at the Ronald McDonald house check out this link!
http://www.industrymailout.com/Industry/LandingPage.aspx?id=1304388&lm=55277365&q=618545109&qz=95e1d9aec1629d21875eb9cb1e8f008b