The food battle.

"But I just don't feel hungry" 

It's a constant battle between what everyone says I should eat versus what I feel like eating. It's hard to find food that I like anymore because my taste buds are different. The taste of the foods I loved have been altered to the point where I'm scared to try new foods. I'm so sensitive to spicy foods and foods with strong tastes. If I do feel like eating it has to be what I'm craving in the moment or it just doesn't sit well in my stomach. 

Fighting nausea is an entirely different battle on its own.

Not only are there days when I can't find food I like, but fighting the feeling of wanting to constantly throw up makes it hard to eat as well.  There are days where I can't even keep down a sip of water without throwing it right back up. 

Gross huh?

The worst days are the days when I can be starving but as soon as food hits my stomach I'm running to the bathroom or sticking my face in a bucket. On these days I can't control the nausea because I can't keep the medication down long enough for it to kick in. 

Now everyone has an opinion.

I understand when people say "you have to eat _____ because it kills cancer" are only saying it because they care, and they want to help me, but I know all of this. I know to eat blueberries and pomegranates and kale for antioxidants and vitamins, but it's so hard to always eat healthy. Especially since I need to gain weight, not lose it due to eating healthy. My biggest pet peeve is when people tell me that "if you eat this it will kill cancer cells". And yes, that is true to a point. Most of these "cancer killing" foods are actually cancer preventing foods. 

I'm so thankful "mom-cologists" (mothers of cancer patients) understand their children.

All the moms at the Ronald McDonald house are so amazing, cooking up whatever their kids want and whenever they want it knowing well in advance that only 2 bites will be taken and they will be done.

It's a battle within a battle. Fighting cancer means fighting to find a way to eat, sleep, drink, and just live normally. 

I guess all I'm asking is that you don't judge me by how I eat. It may be weird combinations of food some days, and no food at all other days. And please don't try to force me to eat, when I say I'm not feeling well, I mean it. 

Energy

I love to write. 

Not only that but I love card games, puzzles, video games, and even texting. Lately though I've felt very frustrated due to the fact that I have hardly any energy to do any of my favourite things. Sometimes I don't even have enough energy to watch a movie. Something as simple as laying down and doing nothing basically exhausts me. It may also just be the fact that it's the only thing I can do for entertainment and I'm no longer entertained. Just bored. I don't feel like doing the things I love to do. They seem to have become a chore for me, and I find myself having to put more effort into daily life than I used to. I even have a hard time texting my friends back because I'm just too tired to respond. 

Imagine, a teenager who DOESN'T want to text message 24 hours a day.

I felt bad that I've been neglecting not only messages of love and support, but also my blog, but I've been having a hard time mustering up the energy to write about my life. Everything just seems so draining, and I don't want to continuously explain to everyone how tired I am.

Also, I can't seem catch a break.

Right now the chemotherapy treatment I'm on requires me to take it every day. No stopping. My last treatment was 21 days on and 7 off. This time there's no break. At least we found that it may have been a virus that was constantly making me extremely sick, and not the drug. Being so sick just drains you twice as fast as normal!

I'm just sick and tired of being so sick and tired.

So I will end this blog post on a short note due to the fact that I am exhausted, but I would still like to play a quick game of cribbage with my mom before bed time.