Finally! Some good news!

I have been waiting almost 2 years to hear that we finally have control. Waiting, and trying different chemotherapy drugs, as well as different methods of receiving chemo to find one that actually works. For nearly 2 years we have been holding the cancer at bay, neither growth or shrinking happening. Just chilling out in there. 

But the tables have finally turned.

After a solid 3 weeks on a new chemotherapy drug we have seen improvement. Not a lot, but enough to know that it's working. We weren't asking for much anyways, Rome wasn't built in a day, and tumours won't disappear in a day, we just wanted to know that all of this suffering wasn't just for nothing. 

Not only is it working on the tumours, but I'm also tolerating the drug really well.

Before this new wonderful oral chemotherapy (called Crizinotib) I was on IV chemo, and other pills that made my blood count drop significantly. I was feeling sick and tired all the time, and my immune system was null so I never was able to go out. Now I don't feel nauseated 24/7 and my blood counts stay fairly normal. I used to get blood and platelet transfusions biweekly, and I haven't been in need of blood in 2 or 3 months, and even longer for platelets! I've felt more free, and just generally good. I've felt good. Better than that actually, I've been feeling great! 

Now that we know this chemo works, and I am experiencing minimal side effects, I feel like I can adjust my life to a regular and more normal routine. 

That, and my hair has been coming in since November-ish. I can almost go without a wig, but it is a little bit chilly for that, and it's still a little bit thin. But I will finally see what I look like with a pixie hair style! I was always to chicken to cut it short, and kept it pretty long. Well, until I went bald anyways! 

And here it is: my miracle drug! 

Scan to scan

It's hard to make commitments to the future. We can never just say yes to making plans because it will all come down to the way I'm feeling that day. And we don't know how I'm going to feel on any given day. Some things we do plan well in advance though, like scheduled appointments in Vancouver around different events. For example, we schedule appointments the week leading up to, or the week after the BC Children's Hospital telethon so we can volunteer at said event. With that being said, we never actually know how long each visit to Vancouver is going to be. In 2011 we thought it was going to be a weekend and back in 3 months time.

Three weeks later began our 6 month "visit". 

A family, when faced with a cancer diagnosis, learns quickly that this is not something we can control. We cannot decide our futures for ourselves anymore. Our future depends on the cancer, whether it's responding to treatment or not, and that can only be decided by scans. Yes, it completely consumes our time, energy, and emotion, but that doesn't mean we can't live in between scans.

I find that we live a fuller but simpler life. The things that used to consume us seem petty. We have a different view on life, and even though it's filled with pain, suffering, and fear, we see the light side of everything. Our perspective of life has turned from "how many years in my life can I have" to "how much life can I have in my years".

We open the door to today and embrace whatever comes.

We don't worry about yesterday, we don't fret for tomorrow. We live on what we're given today.

I wake up each day grateful I have another day to continue to fight. I am thankful I get to see the faces of my family and know they're behind me, there to pick me up when I feel down. I am blessed by the simple moments I get to spend with them. I love weekend mornings, being up with George and enjoying each others company (and lately discussing the Olympics). I love when my mom does puzzles and I pretend to help her, only to end up having her rub my head and cuddle me. I love when my brother/best friend and I drive around town and just talk, and sing along to music, plus he gives the best hugs, but not many people know that. I love hearing my family tell me they love me and hugging me, and I love to tell them. I love being with my friends and making the best of each day, and just smiling and being happy.

This just barely scratches the surface of what I appreciate. It's all the little things that I've learned to notice and enjoy. Instead of rushing around, I've stopped to smell the roses.

This is a relevant quote to give everyone a little perspective on appreciating the time you're given on this earth. I hope you all invest wisely!

Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $84,600, it doesn't carry over the balance from day to day, it just cancels whatever part of the amount you failed to use at the end of each day. 

What would you do? Draw out every cent and invest it wisely, of course!

Well, everyone has such a bank, but it's known as time. Every morning you are credited with exactly 86,400 seconds. Every night, whatever you fail to invest in a good purpose is written off. Your balance is not carried over. It allows no overdraft.

Yet each day the account is opened and credited with a new balance of 86,400 seconds, and with each night the records of the day are burned. If you fail to use the days deposits, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against tomorrow. You just live in the present, on today's deposits. Invest it wisely as to get the utmost in health, happiness, and success. 

Expect the worst, hope for the best.

Waiting... Waiting.... Waiting.... 

The time between the scans and the appointments is brutal. We are so on edge waiting for results because we never know what the results are going to be. It's hard to continually keep ourselves busy, and no matter how hard we try we are always thinking about what the next appointment could bring. 

We want to go in thinking positively, but when you go in with high hopes it's so easy to be let down. So we have learned to do exactly what this post is titled: expect the worst, but hope for the best.

We have learned to accept the good with the bad, and every time we are prepared to hear the words "it's good, but..." 

And yes, there usually is a "but", and a pain in mine. 

Now I never really had the chance to finish this post before my appointment, the one where we got good news, so I can't recall exactly how I felt. Especially now I'm overwhelmed with positivity and I don't ever want to let this feeling go. I think for a while I almost did. I was so sick all the time and I wasn't getting any results. In almost 2 years of chemo treatments nothing happened, and I was getting my hopes up. I knew we were only holding this illness at bay, and I started to feel like I would be doing this my entire life. I would like to live a normal life at some point. I don't want to take what feels like 5 million pills a day, and constantly worry about not being able to hug someone because their nose is a little runny, or they sneezed 5 minutes ago. 

A channel on YouTube called "TheFineBros" do a series of react videos, so kids, teens, and elders react to viral videos, and are then asked questions. Recently they had teens react to "The Fault In Our Stars" trailer, and one of the questions, and some of they're responses to it made me feel like they actually understood that we are still humans, and we still want to be treated normally. Seriously check it out! And even some of the other react videos! I'm so thankful they do this! 

Here's a link to the video!

http://youtu.be/rjMqMLZIt30