Sometimes it's ok to cry

In a perfect world there would be no illness, no death, no sadness, and no sorrow. In a perfect world there would be a cure. But we don't live in a perfect world, so the sickness and the sadness happens, and a lot of the time in conjunction of each other. There have been a lot of tears in the doctors office, and at the Ronald McDonald House. Most of the time I can handle the news I'm given, because no matter the news I get, someone else has gotten worse news. I'm not saying that my situation was never bad, I just knew I could deal with how I felt about it later, but at the time all I wanted was to know "whats next". I just wanted to try everything and anything I could to get rid of this pain in the ass growing inside of me. There was no time to be sad, only time to move forward.

But some days you are just sitting and waiting. Whether you are waiting to see scan results, waiting to recover from an infection or surgery, or even recover from chemo, you have this time to sit and think, and let all of the emotion catch up and sink in.

And boy does it ever sink in.

It's not often that anyone will see me cry, but there are days when I just need someone to be there for me and tell me that its going to be ok. All of these scary things I've experienced hadn't really taken an immediate toll on me. Sometimes I'm even unconscious because it's a surgery like procedure that I've just gone through. But to sit back and think, wow, did I actually do that, did that actually happen to me? It's terrifying. I'm still so young, there is still so much in life that I haven't experienced, and here I am going through one of the worse imaginable things that could ever happen in anyone's life. I mean, when someone hears the word "cancer" they subconsciously link it with death. Most people associate cancer with being terminal.

That's not always the case though.

After I have a bout of crying, I look back and think to myself that yes, I have experienced one of the worst things in the world, but I'm still here. I'm still alive, and I should be thankful, and every day I am. Now that it's been a while, its easier to face things with a brave front. It's easier to do what I've been doing for so long now. It's so easy to just keep fighting. I can take on each new challenge and say I've been through worse; if I can make it through yesterday, why can't I make it through today.

There are days when I can't help myself, and I just get tired, sad, and inexplicably lonely, but its only human to have those days. It's easy to wallow in self pity and be sad, but it's hard to put a smile on your face. If it were up to me, I wouldn't want to feel sad at all, because having a sense of humor about everything makes it so easy to be happy. And my family and I like to think we are pretty darn hilarious.

Go show the world who's boss. There are so many things that can tear you down, just show everyone you can stand back up no matter what. I'm proof that it's not impossible. I mean look at me.


I'm already kicking cancers ass, want to be next?